This Same Sky

Sky darkened
like deep forest
where no light
weaves its way
through leaves
is opened down
on me as I
look up dizzy
from the blackness
bearing down
on me and stars
form the perfect
picture
the way they did
when I was a child
this same sky
has always been here
I think,
as I feel cold
numb blown by autumn
wind rustling trees
in front yard
covered by stars
I remember as a child
counting imagining
the people there
too.

Coffee Heart

Feelings
empty themselves
from your heart
you pour the last milk
into my dark burning.

Crying love,
I pass into chill air
of alone
unsipped
full,
impatient
for my heart
to cool.

Love

Delicately drunk

with ache for you
I run bare beneath our moment

and lather the languid sea

of rocks

into singing diamonds.

Egg

My shell, translucent
yet opaque
I am rounded
full and shaped
to be cradled

I am an egg
in your arms
squeeze too tight
and cracks appear

don't drop
unless into flame
of your open
burner

so that I might
sizzle
ready to eat.

Scissors

Open and closed
slicing
open and closed
cutting
open and closed

in motion, always
you slicing cutting
into her
a shiny silver pair of shears

your smooth chopping
splitting her apart
while still you continued
to open and then close

in your circular motion
you ran through her
like scissors

cutting in a long
ever-lengthening line
while you remained
open
then
closed.

Geese in flight. The other day when I was coming out of school, just as I reached my car, I looked up to this loud honking and saw a large flock of geese pass right over my head. It was so beautiful. I just stood and watched until I couldn't see them anymore.  

Me and David 

Coupling

Waves become slower
dissonance dissolves
into the tuning we have begun.

We play the note in unison
striving for
perfect pitch.

Me, Wendy and Jacquie 

Me and Jacquie 

Me and the R's on Thanksgiving 

David and Jacquie on Thanksgiving 

Deer Hunting

Yesterday I was on my way home from school, driving in a miserable rain, on the highway, and this van passes me with two dead deer strapped to the roof of the van. I felt like I was going to throw up.

The deer's eyes were open, and they were facing the rear of the van, and roped onto the roof by their necks. The van passed me and I just felt this anger inside me. I heard hunters the night before on the evening news saying they would eat their deer meat for an entire winter. Ok, well, I guess that justifies it (not).

And then there are the people who say the deer population needs to be controlled, because when it isn't, there are terrible accidents, etc. (my sister hit a deer once, with my little nephew in the front seat---the airbag hit him and her too---but they were ok--this was before we knew how dangerous air bags were to children) (the deer didn't die right away, and the state police had to shoot it in front of my sister and nephew). What about controlling the human population, who have invaded the country where deer naturally live?

Anyway. As I was making my way to the off ramp, that van cut in front of me, and I was stuck behind it for awhile. At first I didn't want to look at the two deer. But then I made myself look at them. Their fur was drenched with rain, eyes wide open staring back at me, necks pinned to the green roof.

I started to cry.

The arguments about food, about the deer living a life in the wild instead of being raised (and tortured) in captivity, about the over-population, didn't make me feel one tiny bit better or accepting.

I thought of the indignity to which they were being treated. Hauled away like a mattress or garbage, strapped to the top of the van. I thought of all the dead deer with twisted necks and broken limbs, rotting on the side of the road, of the deer I'd surely just missed hitting, standing at the very edge of the highway and I'd only seen them as I passed as close as five feet, their eyes glowing in my 65 mph headlights. Their regal imobilized stance making them seem like ghosts.

I thought of Ellie, laying there on that examination table, unable to sit up anymore, but still knowing me, stretching her neck and chin out while I stroked the underside, the same as she always did. The way I told her I loved her, what was going to happen and why, how she was going to be all better. I reassured her as I thought inside that I just couldn't bear to wait for the vet. They had to do it right away. My pain nothing compared to what she must be feeling, suffering. I couldn't stand to lose her, but to think I might be responsible for any more suffering, was far more unbearable.

I was able to hold her whole little body against me as they gave her the injection. I could feel her shudder, as her heart gave out. She was gone so quickly, her little head no longer pressing itself into the cup of my hand. I thought of how, she had the best death one could have under the circumstances, the kindest one.

I loved her so much. I couldn't imagine ever making her suffer. I stayed with her, petted her now cooling body, and then I covered her up completely with the small blanket. We left her then, for them to have her cremated. I have her ashes now in a small cedar box with a little lock on it.

She had the best death I could ask for. I was with her. I didn't abandon her.

I Take It Back

OK. I'm never going to get on bloggers list :( They've seen my mean post at the HELP desk. I take it back. I take it back! ;)

As for my poll, I asked, he accepted :)

And. I love my job :)

Screw You, Blogger

As I said the other day on my other blog, after writing a great, hilarious rendition of my latest escapade, and Blogger was down for that dammed hour. Now, tonight it's made me incredibly cranky yet again.

Time to pay for space perhaps...?

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I should have been in bed an hour ago, and would have been, save for the multiple posts I just had to sit here and delete.

F---!

(and I was thinking that I haven't gotten an I'm sorry or thank you from person-who-shall-remain-nameless because I must have inadvertently opened my big mouth to mutual aquaintance and complained about un-named person promising me something and then blowing me off about it---it's the only thing I can think of, why nameless person would be so rude now---well, I didn't mean it anyway...just was griping...should have known mutual big mouth aquaintance would make it into something it wasn't)

(people are so stupid) (including me sometimes)

Now I am really going to bed. This blog wasn't supposed to get personal, but I am too tired to switch to the other)

And...

I miss Ellie terribly and I want a baby and I miss Eddie and I want two more cats...and I could go on...but I won't. I'll just go to bed now.

A bientot.

Thank You and I'm Sorry

Two phrases that are highly underused in our world.

I am mad. Can you tell? What is so dammed hard about those words? Really now. Is it so incredibly difficult to say I'm sorry or thank you...sometimes I really hate people. That's terrible isn't it? People are getting bombed, and all I can complain about is not getting a thank you or I'm sorry...but it matters. Everything matters. It all does. Even the smallest action matters...

And I can't write about the horrible things. I can barely read or hear about them anymore. Especially since my friend Jim is over there now and I haven't been hearing from him lately. It's too upsetting. I feel physically ill.

Read Please/Taking A Poll

Just posting below, lines from scattered poems that I like (and one I just wrote). Read my post about Cowards too. And finally, is it acceptable to tell a man that is ACTING interested (will not relate gory boring details here) whom you like, that you would like to do something together? What do people think?

Just wondering...all opinions appreciated.

Surprise Visit

A tiny bird, you sweep into the room
smiling with bright eyes
and a song only silence can hear

each note like a petal falling
from sweet, soft blooms
kissing like mint on the lips

bird resting for only a minute
how fragile this moment
how easy for me to startle you

and watch as you flit away
song over, silence loud now
beneath the fluttering of your goodbye.

(this one is by yours truly)

Darwish

Descending from Karmil by Palestinian poet Mahmud Darwish

as if lovers are a circle
of chalk that are capable
of dissolution or life...

(translation by AA)

Levertov

From "Losing Track" by Denise Levertov

Long after you have swung back
away from me
I think you are still with me:

you come in close to the shore
on the tide
and nudge me awake the way

a boat adrift nudges the pier:
am I a pier
half-in half-out of the water?

E. Ethelbert Miller

Fragment from "Looking for Omar"

I start to leave the bathroom
with my wet hands but then
the big boys come in talking
loud and cussing like they
rap stars or have new sneakers.

I hear the one named Pinto
talking about how someone
should get Omar after school
since he's the only Muslim they know.

Pinto talks with an accent
like he's new in the neighborhood too.

I don't have to ask him
what he's talking about
since everybody is talking
about the Towers and how they
ain't there no more.

Creeley

...Pain simply of want
last empty goodbye
Put hand on her head
good dog, good dog
feel her gone.

(from "Four Days In Vermont" by Robert Creeley)

LXV (Neruda)

...so I wait for you like a lonely house
till you will see me again and live in me.
Till then my windows ache.

(translated by Stephen Tapscott)

More Hafiz

And then You are like this:

A small bird decorated
With orange patches of light
Waving your wings near my window,

Encouraging me with all of existence's love--
to dance.

(translation by Daniel Ladinsky)

Cowards

I won't rant. I promise, I won't. But tell me, someone, please, why are some people such cowardly lions? Why?

And what I mean by this, is why do they shy away from true connection with other human beings? What is there to fear? Why do they suspect and remain cynical? Why do they push others away who feel that there is something to share...? Why when you do share something, something of yourself, something real or true, do some people ignore you, push you away, refuse to just be gracious, if nothing else...

Why is it that human beings cannot behave like human beings? Why must they burrow into their own little worlds of illusion and comfort, barracading themselves against new experience, new life, hope, and ultimately love?

I don't mean romantic love, but love in action. True connection and communion with others.

I have been guilty of this myself. And I guess the answer for me, was, is, that it is out of fear and insecurity. But what good have those things ever done me or anyone else? Oh yes, I've been protected. My defenses come up and I've pushed people away. But the times I've been able to be open, have allowed me to be open more and more, despite whatever crap some people dish out to me, I refuse to let them change who I am. I have been afraid and still allowed myself to be vulnerable. I've been rejected and still allow myself to be open.

Marianne Williamson said this:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

I think those first three lines get at the heart of what I am talking about here. I don't think she means to be arrogant or pompous in anyway. What she means is that we are afraid, feel undeserving of the best in life, of being bright, of being who we really are, and consequently, we shut ourselves off from others. Which shuts us off from communion and community with others.

Anyway. I guess I did rant after all...

Peace.