Compassion and Forgiveness

I struggle with these two. Always. I want to be a compassionate person, who can forgive. I want to see the other person as human, and not the enemy. But when I am in pain, I think, how can I possibly forgive the other person, especially if they don't acknowledge what they have done? (or what it appears they have done, or what I assume they have done--one of the FOUR AGREEMENTS--Don't make assumptions...)

Aren't we all amazed at families of murder victims, who can forgive the person who has murdered their son or daughter? And sometimes, they even befriend the person. Compassion takes maturity and forgiveness takes maturity and humility.

When have I ever been perfect? Maybe there was some time in my life (I can remember a few times I behaved less than I could be proud of, more than that if I try, probably) when I hurt someone inadvertantly. When I was even mean or cruel--or at least they perceived me to be. I have never intended that, but it's possible that it's true. For that other person. I know I am not perfect, and so how can I expect others to be? To never make a mistake?

My greatest lesson in forgiveness, reminds me, that no matter what, I can forgive someone. I can. Even the person who has hurt me the most in my lifetime. I hated him. I carried around such anger and pain toward him, for something he forced on me. For many years, I was the one who suffered because of my anger toward him. I remember believing that there was no way I would ever, in this lifetime, be able to forgive him for what he had done. He was someone I loved dearly, and then despised. I hated him for taking away any good feelings I could ever have for him.

That's what I thought. I remember reading about forgiveness, and despite knowing it was hurting me, and not him, I just could not forgive him. It was a process however, mixed in with my own inability to forgive myself. And the feeling that I was condemmed by God too. My dear friend Fares said to me once, as I told him what had happened in tears--he took my face in both his hands--and said, "Brenda, God knows what is in your heart, he has already forgiven you."

That was the beginning of my path to forgiveness. I finally forgave myself (so many times, anger at others is also anger at oneself) and then, one day, I was thinking about C. and I realized who he really was. I recognized who he had been at the time. A very very scared human being. Not the devil, not evil, not hateful. But very very sad and scared. Only someone who was these things, could have done what he did. When I was able to see him that way, 13 years later, I was able to forgive him.

This was the key. I regained a sense of him as a human being. I saw him through the eyes of compassion. I could forgive him then, finally.

I don't hate him anymore. I sometimes think of him, and even wish that I could tell him. Sometimes. But it doesn't matter if I do or not. What matters, is what my forgiving him means to me. What it has done for me.

I like who I am when I am able to forgive someone. I want to be forgiven too.

I don't mean we should excuse bad behavior, but I do think it's so important to practice compassion and forgiveness.

Why am I writing this? Because, I have been so upset about what I perceived to have happened last week. The truth is, I know how one incident made me feel inside. Like I was being cast aside. I felt abandoned. And I reacted without finding out more. Of course, who can blame me really? But that's what made me think of all this.

I am trying. It's not always easy.