Little Poems For Ellie

You trace an unformed square
with your footsteps
lightly walking
the four corners of my bed,
jump at my pillow
walk to my right foot
across
to the left
and up to the other side
of my head.

What will I do without
our rituals?
Your licking of my ankles,
legs, arms, after a shower,
your push of any closed door
I dared to hide behind,
your rustle and tear
of errant paper or plastic--
always knowing
how to master my attention.

What will I do without
your jump up to the food chair,
paws perched on the arm
in anticipation, chirping.

What will I do without the soft
cool sweetness of your ear,
the smooth roundness of your paws,
the milky white chin
your warm body resting
between my breasts.

What will I do
without the one
who always loves me
no matter what?
________________

I can't imagine my life
without you
always said it would be
the worst with you
but I see you laying listless,
eyes glazed
semi-conscious,
your little heart beating hard,
your jagged walk---
how can this happen so fast?
Your breathing slowed,
you crawl away
to a cool patch of floor
while I press the whole
palm of my hand
against you, over and over,
I don't know if more
for me
or for you.
_________________

I vacuum, and in ten minutes
you've pulled out 20 tufts
of fur and spread them
all over the carpet.
You pee on the floor
by accident,
rip holes in the duvet
with your claws,
wake me up 3 times,
knock bottles off
the bedside table,
vomit in the dark.

But you cuddle
under the blanket
your sweet chirping
conversation
and tinkling of those
caged ball bells
and purrrrrrrr
while staring at me
with the funny bug eyes,
makes me forget
all the rest.
______________

I remember the two of you
tiny kittens
that first night home--
I came into the bedroom
to find you curled
together in a circle,
ying yang,
in the center of my bed.
______________

I don't want
this jagged hole
cut into me
not ready
no
never will be
don't want this dead
emptiness
inability to eat
or sleep or think
all a fog
and then the waves
surfacing
from nowhere
sobs in my car,
at my desk,
at the kindness
the sympathy of my friends--
don't want the crater
gouged into me
where you once
were.
_____________

I love that you
let me stroke the bottoms
of your paws, kiss your nose,
finger your ears, rub
underneath your chin,
pet your belly,
scratch just above
the tail, curl my arm
around your rounded body
as we sleep.