Green When I Cry

What is cool about my eyes is that they actually turn a very deep
green when I cry. They are mostly brown in the center, with green
around the edges (my whole family has either blue or green eyes---no
one seems to know where I came from) but when I cry, the green seems
to take over. I suppose that's cool anyway. I like it.

I heard from the artist grant people today. I knew it would come fast,
because they are making a decision by September 1st. Of course it was
a long shot and they sent a very nice note saying that perhaps I would
be more suited for their new "Scholars and Writers" fellowships.

But I don't consider myself a scholar. And I guess others don't
consider me a writer. Now that's not true--just rejected ego talking
there I suppose. People ask me why they haven't seen my writing
anywhere recently (ie:poems) and I have to say, not only was it
because of grad school, but also because I can only take bouts of
rejection, then I need a break. What people don't realize (at least in
my case) is that for every thing published, you have to endure 5 times
as many rejections.

Rejection makes me tired. This has been the year of rejection;
personally, artistically, and professionally. What I want to do is run
when I feel like this. But I won't. I'll stay put. Cry and move on.

Maybe just that little trip I planned but then cancelled, then
planned, then cancelled...