Before I Sleep

As I've mentioned before, I read a few political blogs about Middle East issues. Largely this started when I was applying for the Fulbright to go to Egypt, and then, well, you all know...the rest of the story about EGYPT (sigh). I'm applying again, btw, but this time won't be investing myself into it like last time. Anyway...

I still read those blogs, and one in particular. I've also mentioned that I get attacked there in the comments section (as do many others) if I dare to say something positive or nice, etc. I mentioned to one of my friends, that this was happening, and just wondering why, no matter WHERE I GO, this seems to happen to me. I mean, come on, even in the freakin' blogosphere, where I am semi-anonymous (not so much anymore), people feel the need to attack me (remember the abusive high school principal I worked for who hated my guts, and prior to that, the evil queen of grant writing?).

Well, there are two things that have come to me, from my musings about this. First though, I have to mention that I have continued to wonder what is the gift I am supposed to get from all this crap? You know, what am I supposed to learn or whatever? I think of something my friend Judy said about those two previous abusers, and some things that I said. That the only way those two women could act the way they did, was because they had been so badly treated in their own lives, and that they were so miserable. Even if they were hurting me with their behavior, I could get away from them (which I did). But they couldn't escape themselves. They had miserable lives, because NO ONE could act the way they did and be a happy or content person.

Judy would tell me to pray for the evil queen, to try to see her humanity, to bless her. Ugh. It was nearly impossible. She really did some horrible things to me in the short time I knew her (though my clients sent me flowers and I secured large amounts of money for others--the universe didn't want her to win, that was for sure). I still can't say that prayer about her. The only thing, and I don't want to even give her any credit for this, is that if she hadn't been so unbearable, I might never have taken the leap of faith I did. And I have never regretted that leap, not even in the worst moments of pressure in school and no money, etc. Her hateful ways, made me really re-examine everything. Who said our best teachers are sometimes not the nicest ones? Or something like that...

And now about these attacks on that blog. Well, some of the things being said about me are pretty nasty. Of course, these people don't know me at all, so it's not so hard to let it roll of my back. I realized the other day though, that this person who continually likes to mess with me there, has really done me a favor. He has really shown me how I have grown. He's made shitty sexual and fat remarks about me; things that several years ago would have wounded me. But these comments have not. I realized the other day, that this is my gift from this man who spews negativity there. He's made me realize how far I have come. How strong I have become. I thank him for that.

And lastly, I have begun to try and see the people who act hatefully, as compassionately as I can. It's practice. I became so good at social work and counseling, because I learned this gift from my friend Fares. He always was able to see the best in me, even when I couldn't. He saw me for who I really was. When I was a social worker, I learned to do that too. I learned that every single person has something unique and special about them. Everyone. For some people though, it is so buried under pain, that they can hardly ever express this part of themselves.

That is what I wanted to say before I sleep. Not very cohesive. But down in the ether of the Internet now, at least.